If you are married, I am sure you have had sexual challenges. Every married couple eventually does. However, we can’t ignore the importance of sexual intimacy. Marital sexual intimacy is good.
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In the traditional view of marriage, sex is viewed more as a man’s pleasure and a wife’s duty. But God, in His creative design of the woman, refutes this belief by giving females a sexual body part—the clitoris—that has absolutely no purpose other than to give her sexual pleasure. It is much like the penis in that it is a bundle of nerve endings that become engorged when stimulated. Interestingly, the male counterpart—the penis—has several other functions since it is also how a man urinates and makes babies. Realizing that God gave the clitoris to women solely for sexual pleasure invites husbands and wives to enjoy sex.
Neuroscience teaches us that the male brain is wired to be extremely visual. This wiring in the nucleus accumbens resides in the back of the brain. It controls things we don’t consciously think about like digestion and breathing. Clinical studies teach us that this part of the brain lights up in a man when he sees a sexual image, like his wife getting out of the shower. When the nucleus accumbens lights up, he will most likely experience a primal, physical urge to sexually “consume” what he sees. This is why men have many more sexual thoughts than women, and why sexual self-control is typically a man’s battle. In order for a woman to compassionately understand her husband, she must know that sex means so much more to him than that initial desire to “consume” what he sees. Men report that just having sex isn’t enough—it isn’t satisfying unless their wives want them as well.
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Here are some basic things to help you self-differentiate and to grow a healthier you:
1. Calm your own anxiety. The more anxiety you carry the less solid self you have. Anxiety is typically contagious in family and marriages. Learning to calm yourself is a big step in the right direction to building a solid self.
2. Own your own attitudes. If you need an attitude adjustment then give yourself one. And if you can’t give yourself one, ask for help.
3. Become comfortable with disagreements. To disagree with your spouse is healthy and normal. But disconnecting because your spouse doesn’t agree with you, disrupts a healthy self and a healthy union. Question if being right is worth breaking the connection.
4. Develop your spiritual maturity. God repeatedly says, “Don’t be afraid” or “Be anxious for nothing.” Relax into His love for you. Christian spiritual maturity is the foundation for a healthy self
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In learning that I was a powerful person, I realized I had a choice to use that power like Jesus does, for the good of others, or to use that power for the destruction of others. Jesus models how to use personal power for the good of others.
Jesus is our Savior, but He doesn’t enable us. In the gospels, when someone wanted something from Jesus, He asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” His questions helped people practice becoming a healthy self by taking personal responsibility to ask for what they wanted. Scripture says, “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2 NIV). Jesus wants us to be assertive and to learn how to ask for what we desire, without demand or entitlement.
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Imagine with me for a moment you want to practice something different in your marriage. Imagine you decided to work on your selfhood, becoming the best you that you can be by committing daily to the growth process and dedicating yourself to the freedom, the maturity, and the welfare of your spouse. Imagine if you stopped focusing on what doesn’t work in your marriage and focused on your marital strengths, embracing yourself and your spouse as two powerful people with competencies to build a beautiful union. Imagine how delightful your marriage would become if you celebrated one another’s differences instead of trying to conform your spouse to your image of how he or she should be. Imagine what it would look like to create the type of marriage that is rich with sexual passion because your understanding of sexuality has matured past fear of intimacy into being freely naked and unashamed. Lastly, imagine a marriage with two fully self-differentiated and healthy individuals nourishing and cherishing one another the way Christ does His bride.
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I have discovered the most profound truth you could ever realize and incorporate into your heart is—Jesus loves you. This trust is vital because many couples find they marry for love, and for the feelings of love, without realizing they are already loved. In Christ’s secure love, we lack nothing; we have a solid attachment even when our spouse doesn’t seem solid. When we fully open our hearts to the truth of God’s lavish gift giving, love being the greatest of these gifts, then we can truly base our marriage relationship on love and desire instead of need and desperation.
Once we know we are loved, we can develop a healthy sense of self. It is vital to grow a healthy self in order to have a healthy marriage. Two healthy “I’s” create the greatest possibility of becoming a healthy “we.” If any of us want a better marriage, we have to be committed to the personal growth process. Marriage is an invitation to open our minds to think new thoughts about marriage and open our hearts to allow God’s truth to shape our beliefs. Whatever the state of your marriage, it can grow. It only takes one willing person to change the dynamics in a marriage. You can be the spark that lights the fire of your own marriage.
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Sex is a gift from God, created to bond a married couple and to reflect His nature, but it isn’t always easy to navigate two bodies becoming one. About the time you think you have it figured out, something can challenge a couple to revisit its purpose. Sex is about intimacy—connection and pleasure—not just about the physical act.
Sex is celebrated and encouraged, throughout scripture. God encourages Adam and Eve to consummate their marriage. This happened before they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, before sin ever entered the world. In the Song of Solomon, God celebrates sexual passion and pleasure. In scripture, He encourages couples to come together frequently and declares the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 14:3). He also says, “The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). Sex is meant to be a beautiful, mutual, celebration of husband and wife, made in the image of God enjoying all that He created, including the ability to make love and become one flesh.
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Nothing is more defeating than believing that we are powerless, yet, too many of us have lived life feeling just that—powerless. We feel powerless over the condition of our relationships, our finances, and our future. And worst of all this is completely the opposite of how God intends us to live our lives. Powerless people tend to blame everyone else for their messes in life. And they don’t connect the difficulties in their lives with their own choices, someone else is always to blame for the life they are living. Sadly, they don’t believe they have the power to change or make choices that will impact their future for the good. Powerless people are fueled by fear and they create an environment of anxiety wherever they go. Often they use control and manipulation to communicate to others “they better submit—or else!”
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