Happy Married Sex

Happy Married Sex

            Not every married couple has happy sex. Some couples are shy and awkward with one another. Some were raised in homes where they were taught sexual feelings are shameful and even disgusting. For others, he or she bring sexual baggage into the marriage and that baggage becomes a wall—prohibiting sexual enjoyment. I think some folks are just more selfish by nature and haven’t learned how to share themselves with his or her spouse.

            There are also situations where sex has become painful and downright horrible. If a man uses his power to force his wife to have sex or perform sexual acts against her will, well . . . no one wants to be treated like a sexual slave. If one partner has cheated or has a porn problem, this kills sexual desire for their partner. If there has been selfish taking instead of generous sharing, this also destroys love—as does withholding from one another.

            So, how do we heal when these things have happened? I would say, no probably shout, get help! Don’t wait and hope, and then hope some more that things will magically change. Most likely they won’t unless you get help. Seek out a professional, find a wise mentor, seek godly counsel, but stop trying to fix this on your own. The problem is bigger than the two of you.

Today, I’m talking to those marriages that are good enough. Not perfect, but just need a few ideas on how to bring some heaven to earth in the bedroom.

Here are three ideas for you to cultivate into the soil of your marriage.

1.      Set the tone: Decide ahead of time that you will be the one to bring the fun!

a.       Husbands start by calling her in the morning and reminding her of how much you love and appreciate her. If she is taking care of your children, thank her. If she is at work contributing to the well-being of your finances, thank her. Remind her of how beautiful she is to you. Caress her heart throughout the day with kind, loving, nurturing words.

b.      Wives start by thinking about the last sexual encounter you had with your husband that was good, connecting, warm, and loving. Think about how it felt to have his body next to yours and take in the memory of how bonding it felt to be with him. Now, think of something new you could bring to the bed. Something fun to wear? A new perfume, or candle, or light for the room? Take a shower and put your hair up, spray perfume on and then come to bed with a message that says, “I want you and I am here to play with you.”

2.      Attitude is everything: What you say to yourself about your spouse and yourself matters.

a.       Husbands if you are rehearsing negative things in your head about your wife, she will notice it. She will perceive that you are criticizing her and it won’t draw either of you into intimacy. Instead, start rehearsing all of the wonderful things about her. After all, you could have picked one of thousands of other women, but you picked her. So, love her and love her well. She will thrive and flourish under your love. Scripture says your words wash and heal her. Speak life over her. Scripture also encourages you to love yourself. If you are criticizing your body or telling yourself you are a lousy lover, well guess what? You will be. If you come to bed like a starving man sexually, you will miss attuning to her sexual needs. Calm yourself, reduce any performance anxiety, by breathing deeply and reminding yourself that you are a loved son of the most high God. Then focus on connecting with her, not on having an orgasm.

b.      Wives the same goes for you. If you are obsessing over all of the ways he disappoints you, he will sense it. Neuroscience teaches that whatever we focus on grows. Do you want to grow your respect and affection for him? Then remind yourself of all of the ways you do love and respect him. Surely, you can find a few things you like about him. After all, you picked him and you could have chosen not to. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. So, love him and love him well. Sex for married women largely becomes a choice. Quit waiting for the Oh-La-La sexual feelings. Instead, cultivate them. Once you remember the sexual creature God made you to be and engage, wow, it’s fun and bonding and good. An orgasm is super good for you and releases all kinds of feel good hormones that bond you to your man more deeply and soothe some of the annoyances of being married.

3.      Be the teacher: You have to be open to teaching your spouse how to make love to you.

a.       Husbands I sometimes think you guys get a bad rap. Women can assume that you are the sexual expert. That isn’t fair. Every woman’s body is different and every woman has different sexual preferences. Tune into her body. Notice when she sighs or moans with pleasure and when she gets quiet and freezes up. Ask her to show you what she likes. If she is shy about talking about sex, go for a drive where you aren’t looking at each other, but side by side and then ask her to tell you what turns her on. You could say something like, “the car has brakes that slow the car down, and it has a gas petal that speeds things up. What are your brakes and accelerators? What turns you on and what turns you off?” Make it safe for her to tell you. Do your best to not take any offense, but stay open to what she shares with you.

b.      Wives you have to talk to him. Women’s bodies change nearly daily. What turned you on last week may not this week. He doesn’t know unless you talk to him. But talk to him sweetly. Don’t be mean to him. Men are actually pretty sensitive on the inside and need some compassion just like we do. Put your hand over his and show him what you like. Or demonstrate for him what you like. He will most likely really appreciate you teaching him, unless he has some other personality issues. I would also encourage you to tune into his body. We can treat men like they are sexual machines, they aren’t. They have sexual likes and dislikes, preferences and even things that trigger them in a way that isn’t arousing. Make it safe for him to talk with you about what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Be his sexual friend and companion. Understand his sexual needs without judging him. Sexual intimacy means more to your man than he knows how to put into words. It goes deep into his soul when you make love to him.

I think God sent Jesus to restore heaven on earth. Married, sexual intimacy is meant to be one of those sacred spaces where sexual pleasure is cultivated, invited, and nurtured and where married couples can share a little slice of heaven together.