In the traditional view of marriage, sex is viewed more as a man’s pleasure and a wife’s duty. But God, in His creative design of the woman, refutes this belief by giving females a sexual body part—the clitoris—that has absolutely no purpose other than to give her sexual pleasure. It is much like the penis in that it is a bundle of nerve endings that become engorged when stimulated. Interestingly, the male counterpart—the penis—has several other functions since it is also how a man urinates and makes babies. Realizing that God gave the clitoris to women solely for sexual pleasure invites husbands and wives to enjoy sex.

Neuroscience teaches us that the male brain is wired to be extremely visual. This wiring in the nucleus accumbens resides in the back of the brain. It controls things we don’t consciously think about like digestion and breathing. Clinical studies teach us that this part of the brain lights up in a man when he sees a sexual image, like his wife getting out of the shower. When the nucleus accumbens lights up, he will most likely experience a primal, physical urge to sexually “consume” what he sees. This is why men have many more sexual thoughts than women, and why sexual self-control is typically a man’s battle. In order for a woman to compassionately understand her husband, she must know that sex means so much more to him than that initial desire to “consume” what he sees. Men report that just having sex isn’t enough—it isn’t satisfying unless their wives want them as well.

Here are some basic things to help you self-differentiate and to grow a healthier you:

1. Calm your own anxiety. The more anxiety you carry the less solid self you have. Anxiety is typically contagious in family and marriages. Learning to calm yourself is a big step in the right direction to building a solid self.

2. Own your own attitudes. If you need an attitude adjustment then give yourself one. And if you can’t give yourself one, ask for help.

3. Become comfortable with disagreements. To disagree with your spouse is healthy and normal. But disconnecting because your spouse doesn’t agree with you, disrupts a healthy self and a healthy union. Question if being right is worth breaking the connection.

4. Develop your spiritual maturity. God repeatedly says, “Don’t be afraid” or “Be anxious for nothing.” Relax into His love for you. Christian spiritual maturity is the foundation for a healthy self