https://nancyhouston.net/blog daily 0.75 2023-02-23 https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2019/6/6/is-sex-sacred-1 monthly 0.5 2023-02-21 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1559852568212-C22U2WDF52LL0ZIPMWMV/neonbrand-594379-unsplash.jpg BLOG - Is Sex Sacred? https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2018/7/21/three-helpful-ways-to-overcome-shame monthly 0.5 2023-02-22 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1532193315747-DOI8OQB4Y30BH15QKYW4/web+pic+5+nancy.jpg BLOG - Three Helpful Ways to Overcome Shame - Three Helpful Ways to Overcome Shame On a recent radio interview with Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine, I was asked to share my story of growing up with a father who was an alcoholic and who suffered with PTSD from serving in World War II. In many ways my dad was my hero. I thought he was brave, smart and funny—he was. But he also had a dark side that terrified me and my siblings. As I unfolded my history, it dawned on me that I was now able to share my story without catapulting into a shame hangover. Shame has been the hardest of the narratives to be rewritten within the unseen parts of myself. Shame became such a normal part of who I was that I did not known how to live without it. So how did the shame, which has a very addictive nature to it, subside? Well subside may be too strong of a word, how about lessen significantly? 1. Practice self-compassion. You see, I actually blamed the younger me for the trauma and abuse. I thoroughly believed that if she­­—if I—had been smarter, prettier, kept my room cleaner, my dad would not explode or hurt me. It wasn’t until I stopped blaming myself that I started to heal. I spent many years nurturing self-blame instead of nurturing compassion. Making friends with the younger me changed my life. After all she was a person with feelings who needed a voice to tell her story. Have you made friends with your younger you? I would advocate that if you haven’t, today would be a good day to start. 2. Recognize what shame is costing you. Shame can be debilitating. Shame can make it nearly impossible to see hope, to believe in a future, to believe you are someone worth advocating for—someone worthy of respect. Shame sends people into depressions, rages, binges, and even suicides. Shame is expensive, demanding, and a cruel, merciless taskmaster. Shame is costing you your life. Have you considered letting it go, forgiving yourself, placing responsibility where it belongs? I would advocate that if you haven’t, today would be a good day to start. 3. Put empathic people around you. You need professionals, mentors, and friends who will show you empathy. Empathy heals shame in powerful ways. You need people who will give you a different perspective on your shame narrative. Years ago, a counselor changed my shame narrative. He asked me to describe my childhood, which I did unemotionally, after all it was my fault so why cry over spilt milk, I reasoned. His tears showed me something different. His tears melted my defenses and made it safe for me to open up and gave me permission to know what I knew and feel what I felt. If you don’t have empathic people around you, I advocate that you find several and practice letting them in. Reducing shame isn’t a one-time event. Shame is universal, and deeply embedded feelings of shame take time to heal. Your shame feelings may be a result of your own misbehaviors or the misbehavior of others. Either way, your life is worth living without the toxicity of shame. Would you be willing to take to heart these three simple steps of practicing self-compassion, recognize what shame is costing you, and putting empathic people around you so you can live, really live? https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2018/1/22/u293mj0nzyy81n18y5k3p223d0yxde monthly 0.5 2018-01-23 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1516677380480-LW6ETM2LP0PP1NFXM4TM/shadow+pic.jpeg BLOG - #METOO - #METOO As a Sex Therapist in an age where many are finding their voice, I am often asked, “How do we respond to what is happening sexually in the world around us?” First, we have to remember that nothing under the sun is new. Sexual harassment, sexual abuses, incest, and infidelities, have occurred for a long, long time. But this is not the way it was meant to be. We humans are at our best when we are treating one another the way we want to be treated. How true this is when we apply it to human sexual behavior. Does anyone want to be treated like an object of sexual gratification? Does anyone want to be used, threatened, demeaned . . . I think not. We all share a human desire to be valued, loved, seen, and heard. I think we have a lot of reason to feel hopeful, in spite of the daily reports of sexual misconduct. At last, we are creating a culture where keeping secrets silent are no longer what is expected. The #MeToo Movement has caught on in recent months because of brave people coming forward and telling their stories. It takes tremendous amounts of courage to say me too. So, let me just take a moment here to say—me too. I experienced a sexual assault in high school by an adult authority figure that left me stunned and speechless. I was so traumatized by his shocking behavior that I quickly tried to disassociate my memories from what happened to me. My brain kept telling me, surely this respected man would never behave in a violent, sexually abusive way. Surely, I must have done something wrong to deserve such treatment, in spite of me begging him not to do what he did. I felt tremendous shame and embarrassment. What he did to me reinforced the shame narrative that I had deeply ingrained into the wiring of my brain because of the violence I experienced from the hand of my own father. I already believed I was dirty, less than, unworthy . . . this man just validated what I already believed about myself deep down inside. No one would have known I felt that way. On the outside, I appeared to be happy, I did fine in school, I participated in activities, I had good friends, I dated, I skied, and enjoyed many positive things about life. But it was in the quiet places within myself that I felt my losses most profoundly. It wasn’t until I was married and felt completely safe that I started to explore my hidden secrets with the help of a professional therapist and the loving support of my husband. Much later, after years working on healing from the traumas of my early life, I became a sex therapist. They say, often our most important work comes from our own experiences with pain, grief, and loss. This was true for me. As a sex therapist, I have learned many valuable lessons from my clients. They have taught me that nearly all humans experience some sort of sexual pain. Whether they experienced a sexual attack as I did or use sex as a way to medicate deeper emotional pain, human sexuality is often a misused and misunderstood topic. Perhaps, before we can tackle our sexual, social ills, we need to have a better understanding of the purpose of sex. Like any great athlete knows, you have to go back to the basics over and over again. Most of us have never even thought about what the purpose of sex is. Perhaps, if our parents had started this discussion with us at birth things wouldn’t be so complex. So, let’s go back to the basics and see if we can establish a working understanding of human sexuality. 1. We are all sexual creatures. Every person is born with sexual parts specific to his or her gender. 2. Children are curious about nearly all things, including sexuality. Children need his or her mommy and daddy to celebrate their gender, teach them the proper names for male and female genitalia, and help their child develop appropriate sexual behaviors such as, privacy, respect, and valuing sexuality as something special. 3. Teenagers need a lot of guidance with sexual feelings. Imagine your brain and body are flooded with sexual hormones and feelings, but your brain isn’t fully developed until you are twenty-five. The pre-frontal cortex, the governor, or CEO, as some refer to it, takes time to become an adult. In the meantime, teens are making life-altering decisions about sexuality with little to no guidance. I think we need to recognize this as a form of neglect. 4. Sexual shame is wired into our personal narrative at very young ages. Children are regularly shamed for being curious, touching themselves, and for playing doctor. This shame narrative then continues into adulthood. It’s no wonder we have been silent. Shame says we are too dirty to ask for help with our sexuality. This silence hasn’t helped any of us. 5. When exposed to sexual stimuli, our bodies will respond. We have an automatic sexual response system. Yet, just like when someone cuts you off in traffic and you feel angry, but compose yourself, so we need to understand our feelings don’t rule our lives. We all have the ability to practice self-control. We are not animals. We are humans with the capacity to regulate our sexual feelings. We all have to take personal ownership and responsibility for our sexual behaviors. 6. Sexual behaviors were intended to be an expression of love and love desires the good for the other person. If sexuality were framed in this context, our world would be free from sexual violence, sexual harassment, sexual abuses, infidelities, and incest. 7. We all need help in developing healthy sexual behavior. I am grateful we are creating a culture where it is socially acceptable to say #MeToo. It’s about time. It’s time we care for the victims of sexual harm. It’s time we say enough. But we have to personally do more. We have to stop polarizing and demonizing people so we can have dialogues and ask ourselves and others these questions: 1. Have I done the hard work of sorting through my sexual past? 2. Do I struggle with porn use, which dehumanizes every person involved? 3. Do I think sex is the solution to everything? 4. Do I medicate pain with sexual behaviors? 5. Do I avoid sex or have a knee jerk reaction to sex? 6. Am I stuck where sex began for me? 7. Am I growing myself up to be a sexually healthy, happy adult or am I using someone or not valuing myself? We have to understand that sexual behavior has a root cause. Often sexual behavior can become a way of medicating deeper pain. 91% of sex addicts come from either a dysfunctional family of origin, experienced personal trauma, or were exposed to adult sexual behavior at too young of an age. We have to understand that when children are sexually used and abused, they often reenact that behavior in some way unless they get help or guidance. Also, we have to understand that demonizing people because of bad behavior doesn’t end up helping any of us. We have to get off our high horse and come down to the reality that people need help. They also need compassionate care and understanding to work through their sexual messes. Offenders need consequences and boundaries and all need access to professional help. I want to challenge every reader to ask this question, “Am I a part of the problem or the solution?” If we can stop pointing the finger, learn to tell our stories, and humbly ask for help, perhaps we could become a more loving, compassionate, sexually healthy world. It is my heartfelt desire that my new book Love and Sex is a helpful, professional guide for those impacted by human sexuality. Love and Sex is available now for pre-order at Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2017/11/29/top-3-tips-for-singles-on-sexuality monthly 0.5 2023-02-21 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1512012196946-WZZYUV4B747286990FCO/Singles+pic.jpg BLOG - Top 3 Tips for Singles on Sexuality - Top 3 Tips for Singles on Sexuality It’s silly to think that because you are single you are any less or any more sexual than a married person. God made you a sexual creature on purpose and with a plan in mind. It isn’t a cosmic mistake that is meant to be a curse to you. Sexuality is a powerful gift, when stewarded well. So, what do you do with your sexual urges and surges? Our culture says, “Do anything you want, when you want, how you want, and with whom you want!” Yet, we see the consequences of this thinking everywhere we look. Millions of Americans live with an STD. Millions of abortions have taken place, and sweet innocent blessings have been annihilated. Some of you have experienced sexual harassment and sexual abuses. If I could sit with you and hear your story, you may tell me about how your heart was broken by sexual decisions. Maybe you have experienced someone taking from you sexually. Maybe you gave yourself to someone who you thought would love you forever. Maybe you hoped if you gave yourself to someone, they would value you more. Perhaps, you have used your sexuality to prove something to someone. Misuses of sexuality are a human condition. The Bible is full of stories of saints who have misused this gift. But again, God made you a sexual creature on purpose; it is a gift to be stewarded. Here are my top three ways to steward this part of yourself in ways that hopefully will bring life to you and those around you. 1. Acknowledge your sexual urges and surges. Celebrate that everything is working the way God intended it to. Don’t repress your sexual feelings. When you repress them, they have a way of sneaking out of you in ways that can surprise and shock you. Instead, acknowledge them so you can thank God everything is working and then you can let them go and move on. Go work out, connect with friends and family, create meaningful non-sexual relationships. Have non-sexual affection met non-sexually. You need hugs and warm embraces.   2. Acknowledge that your sexual desires have a deeper purpose. God gave us sexual desire to draw us towards a future spouse. If we didn’t have desire, we wouldn’t marry and we wouldn’t make babies together. The world, as we know it, would cease. Sexual desire is meant to pull you towards someone so you can get to know them. Intimacy begins with friendship, exploring if you would be good together. The problem with hopping in bed with each other is then sex becomes the focus instead of cultivating a deep friendship and discovering the depths of this other person’s personality, spirituality, and character. Listen, sex is great, and I get that many of you want to have sex. I think that’s a good thing, but it needs to be in the right context to be the liberating type of sex that God made you for. 3. Acknowledge that God’s plan is the best plan. I don’t think God is a sexual prude. Quite the opposite. He is the one who created erogenous zones and decided to give males a penis that fits into a vagina and gave thousands of pleasurable nerve endings to enjoy sexual union. He gave curves to women with breasts and hips and other pretty parts. He gave men equal but different beauty. He isn’t a prude, He is a protector. He teaches us to protect our hearts. Marriage was meant to provide a safe context where you are loved and cherished and you have a solid covenant to hold you together in good and bad times. This covenant was intended for you to feel safe and trusting. Trust is the ability to be careless. In this context, you can let go sexually, explore, play, and feast with one another as you learn how to make love together.   Forgive us married folks for not presenting a great picture of married sex. We have failed our single friends. I want you to know that marriage can be a delight. Married sex can be a feast. Maybe you love being single and I want to echo what the Apostle Paul advocated when he said, “I wish you all were single like me.” But, if you have an ache for a companion, don’t wait for him or her to magically show up. Go out and find him or her. Pursue what your heart aches for. But, in the process, steward this beautiful, valuable, part of yourself. You may have already had sex, maybe lots of sex with lots of different partners. Ask God to forgive you, put support around yourself, and pursue the kind of sexual relationship that will fill you up, instead of leaving you more empty than before you had sex.   https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2017/11/20/happy-married-sex monthly 0.5 2017-11-30 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1512013775964-ZFG28X4N5VL2ECOQGC3E/in-bed-couple-laughing-love.jpg BLOG - Happy Married Sex - Happy Married Sex Not every married couple has happy sex. Some couples are shy and awkward with one another. Some were raised in homes where they were taught sexual feelings are shameful and even disgusting. For others, he or she bring sexual baggage into the marriage and that baggage becomes a wall—prohibiting sexual enjoyment. I think some folks are just more selfish by nature and haven’t learned how to share themselves with his or her spouse. There are also situations where sex has become painful and downright horrible. If a man uses his power to force his wife to have sex or perform sexual acts against her will, well . . . no one wants to be treated like a sexual slave. If one partner has cheated or has a porn problem, this kills sexual desire for their partner. If there has been selfish taking instead of generous sharing, this also destroys love—as does withholding from one another. So, how do we heal when these things have happened? I would say, no probably shout, get help! Don’t wait and hope, and then hope some more that things will magically change. Most likely they won’t unless you get help. Seek out a professional, find a wise mentor, seek godly counsel, but stop trying to fix this on your own. The problem is bigger than the two of you. Today, I’m talking to those marriages that are good enough. Not perfect, but just need a few ideas on how to bring some heaven to earth in the bedroom. Here are three ideas for you to cultivate into the soil of your marriage. 1. Set the tone: Decide ahead of time that you will be the one to bring the fun! a. Husbands start by calling her in the morning and reminding her of how much you love and appreciate her. If she is taking care of your children, thank her. If she is at work contributing to the well-being of your finances, thank her. Remind her of how beautiful she is to you. Caress her heart throughout the day with kind, loving, nurturing words. b. Wives start by thinking about the last sexual encounter you had with your husband that was good, connecting, warm, and loving. Think about how it felt to have his body next to yours and take in the memory of how bonding it felt to be with him. Now, think of something new you could bring to the bed. Something fun to wear? A new perfume, or candle, or light for the room? Take a shower and put your hair up, spray perfume on and then come to bed with a message that says, “I want you and I am here to play with you.” 2. Attitude is everything: What you say to yourself about your spouse and yourself matters. a. Husbands if you are rehearsing negative things in your head about your wife, she will notice it. She will perceive that you are criticizing her and it won’t draw either of you into intimacy. Instead, start rehearsing all of the wonderful things about her. After all, you could have picked one of thousands of other women, but you picked her. So, love her and love her well. She will thrive and flourish under your love. Scripture says your words wash and heal her. Speak life over her. Scripture also encourages you to love yourself. If you are criticizing your body or telling yourself you are a lousy lover, well guess what? You will be. If you come to bed like a starving man sexually, you will miss attuning to her sexual needs. Calm yourself, reduce any performance anxiety, by breathing deeply and reminding yourself that you are a loved son of the most high God. Then focus on connecting with her, not on having an orgasm. b. Wives the same goes for you. If you are obsessing over all of the ways he disappoints you, he will sense it. Neuroscience teaches that whatever we focus on grows. Do you want to grow your respect and affection for him? Then remind yourself of all of the ways you do love and respect him. Surely, you can find a few things you like about him. After all, you picked him and you could have chosen not to. You wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. So, love him and love him well. Sex for married women largely becomes a choice. Quit waiting for the Oh-La-La sexual feelings. Instead, cultivate them. Once you remember the sexual creature God made you to be and engage, wow, it’s fun and bonding and good. An orgasm is super good for you and releases all kinds of feel good hormones that bond you to your man more deeply and soothe some of the annoyances of being married. 3. Be the teacher: You have to be open to teaching your spouse how to make love to you. a. Husbands I sometimes think you guys get a bad rap. Women can assume that you are the sexual expert. That isn’t fair. Every woman’s body is different and every woman has different sexual preferences. Tune into her body. Notice when she sighs or moans with pleasure and when she gets quiet and freezes up. Ask her to show you what she likes. If she is shy about talking about sex, go for a drive where you aren’t looking at each other, but side by side and then ask her to tell you what turns her on. You could say something like, “the car has brakes that slow the car down, and it has a gas petal that speeds things up. What are your brakes and accelerators? What turns you on and what turns you off?” Make it safe for her to tell you. Do your best to not take any offense, but stay open to what she shares with you. b. Wives you have to talk to him. Women’s bodies change nearly daily. What turned you on last week may not this week. He doesn’t know unless you talk to him. But talk to him sweetly. Don’t be mean to him. Men are actually pretty sensitive on the inside and need some compassion just like we do. Put your hand over his and show him what you like. Or demonstrate for him what you like. He will most likely really appreciate you teaching him, unless he has some other personality issues. I would also encourage you to tune into his body. We can treat men like they are sexual machines, they aren’t. They have sexual likes and dislikes, preferences and even things that trigger them in a way that isn’t arousing. Make it safe for him to talk with you about what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Be his sexual friend and companion. Understand his sexual needs without judging him. Sexual intimacy means more to your man than he knows how to put into words. It goes deep into his soul when you make love to him.   I think God sent Jesus to restore heaven on earth. Married, sexual intimacy is meant to be one of those sacred spaces where sexual pleasure is cultivated, invited, and nurtured and where married couples can share a little slice of heaven together.     https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2017/1/20/time-softened monthly 0.5 2017-01-21 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1484955982171-7Z1767QOPZCCXZCXD4S3/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Time Softened https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/13/the-god-of-secure-attachments monthly 0.5 2023-02-21 https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/wired-for-sex monthly 0.5 2023-02-22 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481334682056-1T93L6DOZXMD1GEUQ7GA/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Wired For Sex https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/top-ten-tips-for-becoming-a-healthier-you monthly 0.5 2016-12-17 https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/just-like-jesus monthly 0.5 2016-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481334268867-TEUK9URUSEHD540TMEH5/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Just Like Jesus https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/just-imagine monthly 0.5 2016-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481333674803-BLVLSAYN0AUM2JPFR3RH/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Just Imagine https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/13/a-healthy-view-of-human-sexuality monthly 0.5 2016-12-13 https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/room-to-grow monthly 0.5 2016-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481333482006-VPI1MG7YT1H191PQ88I1/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Room To Grow https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/6/sex-as-a-bond monthly 0.5 2017-01-25 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481335258850-6GGO8FRQHBJW1W6Z70U3/IMG_2682.JPG BLOG - The Sex Connection https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/9/empowered monthly 0.5 2016-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481334062081-86ITIIDNTB9Q7IGMJWEV/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - Empowered https://nancyhouston.net/blog/2016/12/6/developing-a-healthy-self monthly 0.5 2016-12-10 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481053696041-F0WQQ3OJB0JTSUUESE8X/image-asset.jpeg BLOG - 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Make it stand out Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1479148886534-PEIRGR4TTATV0XY80B92/IMG_9609.jpg Nancy Houston, MA, LPC, CST https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481317104259-YTK7HO5V6MTQ2JEFLZB7/Nancy9.jpg Nancy Houston, MA, LPC, CST https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481320001853-UMH9PU4ZR6MJQBCDBYEI/Nancy2-edit.jpg Nancy Houston, MA, LPC, CST https://nancyhouston.net/speaking daily 0.75 2023-02-21 https://nancyhouston.net/speaking/2016/11/11/lions-roar-conference monthly 0.5 2016-12-05 https://nancyhouston.net/nancy-houston daily 0.75 2021-01-08 https://nancyhouston.net/about daily 0.75 2024-07-23 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1481050257352-YEP296JGNK5WBBMVRJYW/IMG_0345edits.JPG About https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1677044807425-XE82TT0FE2HN32Q0FYEA/2021-94.jpeg About https://nancyhouston.net/events-2 daily 0.75 2016-12-05 https://nancyhouston.net/latest-posts daily 0.75 2023-02-21 https://nancyhouston.net/ebook daily 0.75 2020-04-11 https://nancyhouston.net/books daily 0.75 2023-05-24 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/57ee84231b631b5524bdef08/1678247625799-PKBTAHH2T2PWAQCAPN23/CA1BD41D-9598-4135-BF53-8478B7682F56.png BOOKS - 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